


seeking affection in the wrong places.

by kaqeyama



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Fluff and Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, One-Sided Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Pro Volleyball Player Bokuto Koutarou
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:29:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27089419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaqeyama/pseuds/kaqeyama
Summary: akaashi was doing fine with hiding his feelings for his senior, bokuto. unfortunately, he just had to cough flowers in front of bokuto during practice.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji & Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Bokuto Koutarou/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 78





	1. unfortunate events

\- akaashi

i never thought that i would fall in love with a person that i found merely annoying. i never thought love would be bothersome, at least, i thought love was supposed to be a beautiful thing. but why does it causes me so much pain? i’m losing my focus more day by day, i’m also losing appetite— it’s like my body isn’t working properly. all because of what kuroo-san and tsukishima said to me. damn it.

“akaashi!” his voice rings in my ear, making me shiver slightly when he touched my shoulder. his voice sounds so familiar now, but i can never get used to it. it’s like i’m hearing it for the very first time now.

“akaashi. have you eaten, yet?” bokuto-san asked, his hazel eyes giving me signs that he’s _indeed_ worried about me. everyone has been.

_of course,_ i haven’t been the same since we arrived at this training camp. especially after what kuroo-san and tsukishima said. i didn’t know it _affected me_ that much.

“i have a little. i’m not hungry, yet.” fuck. **fuck.** stupid akaashi. that was harsh and cold. bokuto-san were trying to be nice. i don’t know why i made it sound like _that_.

bokuto-san only sighed, taking off his hand off of my shoulder.

_no._ _i want your arms around-_ fuck!

“did i say something wrong? did i offend you?” bokuto-san asked, which is unusual of him to ask how other people’s feel. it’s not like he doesn’t care— it’s just that he’s way too carefree that he forgot to ask people sometimes.

“no! of course not. i’m just thinking.”

“about?”

“just how to set better and predict karasuno’s moves. they’ve been insanely good lately, especially asahi-san who’s getting better.”

“what about me?!” there he goes again. bokuto and his _negative thoughts_ about himself not being a good player.

“you’re the _best_ player out here, bokuto-san. i will never set this much for anyone else unless it’s for you.” and he smiled. bokuto-san’s smile is immaculate. it made me smile too. my chest is suddenly tingling with a hint of pain and warmth.

yeah. i’ve been feeling some pain in my chest for quite some time. i really don’t want to check it out. i’m way too scared to see the results on what it might be. i’m also pretty sure that bokuto-san would scold me if it turns out that i’m sick, or probably i _lack_ sugar.

the whistle’s sound startled me, it’s time for us to begin practice again. since it’s late already, we’re only doing a 3 versus 3— tsukishima and kuroo-san would be with me while bokuto-san would practice in team with hinata and kageyama.

_ah, shit._

_i can’t continue this. my chest and throat is burning now._

“akaashi!” kuroo called, waiting for me to set to him but i coughed when i wanted to jump. i fell. _i crumbled instead._ grasping my clothes with my hand, the other one stabilizing myself so i won’t slump to the floor.

“shit, akaashi! i told you to eat some—“ bokuto-san’s voice were loud, but it suddenly stopped once he crouched in front of me.

_wait…_

i’m coughing… _flowers?_

“akaashi…?” bokuto-san called once more, picking up two petals from the floor, looking at my eyes while the others started to crowd me.

“i don’t know” that’s all i that came out of my mouth. so many words, so many confessions, so many things left unspoken in my mind but i can’t let any single words out. not when i just found out that i’m basically _coughing flowers_ and i have 4 of my friends and _the person i love_ present here in this room.

“who?” bokuto-san asked, more like demanded me to tell me who it is with the look on his eyes.

“someone who obviously don’t love me back”

i bitterly chuckled, sighing at kuroo and tsukishima who are looking at me with _sadness_ in their eyes. hinata and kageyama too, giving me a bottle of mineral water while bokuto-san just sits in front of me in shock.

my heart nearly stopped when bokuto-san hugged me so suddenly. patting my head and my shoulder, telling everyone that practice is over.

if only he knew that it’s him that i love.


	2. the oblivious and the impossible

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> akaashi didn't expect this to happen. bokuto is just oblivious.

\- akaashi

“do you wanna talk about it, akaashi?” bokuto-san stayed by my side after he saw me in my most vulnerable state. we’ve been sitting in the nurse’s office for almost an hour now. we’re supposed to go back to the gym by now, i also don’t want the others to worry about me.

but i didn’t say anything.

of course, i was too scared to speak. too scared that i would accidentally confess or give bokuto-san a hint that i indeed like him a lot. no, i love him.

“who is she?” bokuto-san asked, catching me off of guard— i couldn’t help but let out a big sigh, messing my own hair in frustration. “just someone special, bokuto-san.” groaning when i coughed again, bokuto-san unconsciously have one of his hand on my thigh. making me lose focus again.

“i thought i was your someone special” bokuto-san pouted, making my heart skip a beat at his words.

yes. you’re my someone special, bokuto-san. you’re just not allowed to know about it.

“you are, but not like that, bokuto-san.” i smiled, looking at bokuto-san who’s now patting my thigh. shit.

“akaashi, if someone hurt your feelings or if you’re in pain. please tell me, okay?” bokuto-san sounded serious. his eyes telling me a lot of things he couldn’t say out loud.

it’s true that i’ve been taking care of bokuto-san ever since i joined fukurodani volleyball club team. it wasn’t a secret too, that i started crushing on bokuto-san since i’ve first saw him spike and practice volleyball in front of us. i think most of the members of our team knows too, since i was being obvious. bokuto doesn’t know how to take a hint, in the first place. no matter how much i tell him, no matter how many times i’ve dropped hints— he will always consider me as one of his best friends, nothing more.

“i want to take care of you too, akaashi. just like how i want to take care of her.”

bokuto-san smiled, ruffling my hair as i froze in my spot.

her?

did i hear that correctly? or am i making things up?

“her?” i asked carefully, bokuto-san shrugging his shoulders and got off of beside me, pulling me with him. “yes. do you know miyu? kazuka miyu?” bokuto-san asked me back, i nod my head unsure— following bokuto-san out of the nurse’s office.

“i’ve been close and talking to her lately,” bokuto-san grinned widely, making my chest tightens and i can only hold in my coughs. i couldn’t risk him finding out about my love for him. “she’s been helping me with my emotional mode attacks, and she’s really kind to me. i’m surprised i wasn’t this close to her earlier. we really matched, akaashi.” bokuto-san continued, his face full of hope and love.

it’s the epitome of all i ever wanted from bokuto-san. i want him to be happy when he’s talking about me.

“that’s good, bokuto-san. i really am happy for you.” i grinned along with him, grasping my own wrist to hold in my coughs, “anyway, i have to go to the toilet now. i’ll meet you in the gym?” i excused myself as bokuto-san let me go.

and i never thought i’d end the day with the view of myself throwing up flower petals.

i’ve always thought that it’s possible for bokuto-san to love me back, but i think i’m too late.

he will never.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry this is so poorly written, AHHHH! but i hope you enjoy <3


	3. i'm sick of being in love

\- akaashi

it’s been a few months since i started drifting apart from bokuto-san.

i’ve been coughing and throwing up a lot more lately, not knowing how to stop this. i went to the doctors too, but they told me that if i were to do a surgery about my _hanahaki_ disease— i’d forget all of my happy memories about bokuto-san. i _do_ want to end this misery, but i _never_ want to forget how it feels like loving bokuto-san.

it’s been a week since bokuto-san graduated from high school too. going to college while having tryouts for volleyball clubs in tokyo must be hard. i thought i would be the one to witness all of his journey, _i really foolishly thought that i’d always be by bokuto-san’s side._

bokuto-san has been going out with miyu until today. seeing their social media posts, and looking at bokuto-san’s text messages in the fukurodani volleyball groupchat burns my chest. it’s not an _exaggerating,_ it really burns my chest whenever both of them are doing physical contact.

now i’m impatiently waiting for my name to be called in the hospital. my appointment waiting for me, knowing it would be the same old advice and solution from the doctor.

_how about i just risk it all and do that surgery?_

“akaashi!” a voice startled me, the next thing i know is i have an arm draping around my shoulder, pulling me closer.

_what a coincidence,_ i thought.

“bokuto-san, what are you doing here?” worried, i glanced at him quickly, looking back to the floor after and fiddling with my hands. “oh, i got injured.” bokuto-san answered cheerfully, _and that’s now how you react to a damn injury!_

“how? why? what happened—“ bokuto cuts me off with a smile and a chuckle, patting my head softly _like he used to do_ when we were still close.

“no, actually— i came to get my ankles checked. i fell yesterday when i was practicing with atsumu and sakusa. can you believe that i got accepted into MSBY?!” bokuto-san kept blabbering about his story but i can’t seem to focus on his words. all i can focus on right now is how beautiful his hazel eyes are, and how nostalgic it is to sit beside bokuto-san. i didn’t know that i missed him this much.

“you know, akaashi? i missed you.”

bokuto-san’s words makes me want to tear up, but i smiled instead and hit his shoulders playfully while nodding my head. “i miss you too, bokuto-san—“

my words are cut off when i saw a pair of arms hugging bokuto-san’s shoulders.

the feeling is here. _that feeling_ is here. holding in my coughs, i grasped into my coat tightly, painfully looking at _miyu_ who’s kissing bokuto-san’s cheek.

“hello, akaashi…! right? how are you?” miyu asked, still hugging bokuto-san from behind and i can only mutter a small “good” before my vision starts to blur.

i coughed, my breath shaky and that’s when i feel like i’m falling. “akaashi?” bokuto-san’s voice was soft, it feels like all of my wounds are healing but _i know too well it doesn’t work like that._ “bokuto-san—“

that was the last word that i said before falling on the ground, coughing and throwing up flower petals. it’s the first time that i get to meet bokuto-san after a few months but _this_ gotta be the first thing that happened.

i can’t hear anything, i’m really numb.

i’m too afraid of dying, but at the same time, seeing bokuto-san being in love with someone else also feels like dying.


	4. the biggest weakness

trigger warnings for this chapter:

panic attack, breathing difficulties, self-harm (akaashi hitting his thighs repeatedly).

music for this chapter: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wsFxOQ5lLpc 

—

\- akaashi

i open my eyes slowly, adjusting to the hospital lights that is blinding me a little— the smell of medicine and machine beeping woke me up.

_ah, yeah._ i passed out in front of bokuto-san and his girlfriend. i didn’t want this to happen, i never wanted this to happen and i never asked for this too.

looking around the room which seems to be a private one and at my arm, i’m not even surprised anymore that i had to stay here for a couple of days to recover. i think it was my biggest and most painful breakdown _yet_. grunting and grasping my clothes, i curl up in this small bed because my chest is hurting. it’s burning. i feel like i ate fire for lunch.

the door opened slowly, bokuto-san rushed towards me to get me some water, dropping all of the medical reports that he had in his hands to hug me tightly.

“akaashi, breathe. look at me, _kaashi._ look at me.” bokuto-san’s voice were soothing, he guided me to breathe in and out slowly. it’s funny, because i used to help him do this whenever her got nervous before matches. he’s now doing this to me, but it’s not helping me at all. _i’m crushed._

“where does it hurt? do you want me to get the doctor?” shaking my head as a no, i subconsciously cling into bokuto-san. _why… why did i do that?_

“ _kaashi._ tell me please, what do you need? do you need some more water? or tea? i need you to—”

“please make it stop, bokuto-san”. my eyes sting. i feel tears prickling in my eyes, and it wasn’t long until i start crying loud.

“make it stop. i want to have that surgery, i don’t care. i’m in way too much pain, bokuto-san. i can’t meet him everyday like i used to, i can’t even talk to him like i used to, i can’t laugh and cry together with him. it’s only been 4 years since i’ve known him but he brought me so much happiness in my life— but he’s only hurting me. i’m tired of throwing up flower petals almost everyday, i’m tired of crying and beating myself up for not being good enough so he doesn’t even look at me _like i look at him._ please, make it stop. help me, bokuto-san.” i pleaded, crying on bokuto-san’s shoulder. my grip on his _favorite grey hoodie_ i loosening. i noticed something too, his hair is down too. _did i pass out that long_?

“ _kaashi,_ it’s a _he?_ ” i let go of bokuto-san’s arms, distancing myself from him. i tried breathing but i think it’s getting more difficult as time passes by. once i look at bokuto-san’s eyes, i break down once again while hitting my own thigh.

_fuck, why do i feel so destructive today? is it because i finally met him after a long time but it wasn’t like what i expected?_

“i wasn’t supposed to tell you, i wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. stupid. i’m stupid. i’m so tired being okay—“

“akaashi keiji!” bokuto-san called, holding both of my hands. he restricted me from hurting myself, putting one hand of my left cheek while wiping it.

“akaashi, this is so unlike you. who is this person? why is _he_ making you feel like this? you’re one of the most amazing person i’ve ever met. you’re really smart, you understand people, _heck_ you’re handsome too, akaashi. why are you so sad about this person? why—“

“i love him, bokuto-san.”

“i know that. but please, don’t hurt yourself and beat yourself up because of him. even if the situation is like this, he don’t want to see you beat yourself up. _i don’t want to see you beat yourself up_ because of some guy. you deserve the best. now please, lay down and get rest, i warmed up your food and you _need_ to take your medications to get well. you’ll do that, right?”

“how about your girlfriend, bokuto-san?”

“we fought after you passed out. she went home already, but i’ll save the story for another time. now, do as i say, okay?”

i nodded slowly as bokuto-san smiled before getting up from my bed, collecting the medical reports that he dropped earlier, examining the reports.

i didn’t know how did i end up in this situation. i don’t know why i have this stupid disease and i don’t why it’s so hard to love bokuto-san. after i coughed and threw up flowers for the first time, only kuroo-san, kenma, and tsukishima who knew about my love for bokuto-san since they kept pestering me about it. kageyama and hinata soon found out because they eavesdropped me and kenma talking.

there are only a few thousands of people who hanahaki in the world. it’s not _that rare,_ it’s also curable— but those who have it suffers from time to time unless they got a surgery done. the consequences… i don’t think i like the consequences very much. i’d rather suffer than forget all of my feelings about bokuto-san. _am i crazy?_ _i probably am._

“akaashi?”

“yes?”

“you love me?”

_what?_

“it says in the medical report that your love interest is name bokuto koutaro. is there another bokuto that you know? akaashi, is it me?” bokuto-san’s voice cracked, sitting back again in front of me. his eyes are teary, he’s gripping into the medical reports like it’s his biggest enemy.

“answer me, akaashi.”

“yes! yes. yes, i love you so much, bokuto-san. i’m in pain everyday because i foolishly keep falling for you even though i know it hurts. i’ve loved you eversince you give me that _stupid simple nickname_ , since i was a first year and you were taking care of me as a new kid in the volleyball club. you didn’t know how much it drives me crazy whenever you come to me for advices and calls me _kaashi_ , and when you nuzzle your head in my shoulder when you feel drowsy. i hate how the stupid things that you do made me fall in love with you. _i didn’t know that i was one-sided, bokuto-san._ i didn’t know—“

“why didn’t you tell me, akaashi? i’m _your bestfriend_ too. i can’t see you vulnerable like this. i can’t and i don’t want to see you suffer. it’s also too much for me.”

“it’s not gonna change anything, bokuto-san. you don’t love me like that.”

“but akaashi—“

“get out.”

bokuto-san’s face is filled with horror, he tried holding my hands again but i keep refusing and pushing him away.

“bokuto-san, please do me a favor and get out. it will hurt less for me if i stop seeing you. please.”

i kept saying things impulsively but his eyes are now filled with tears. nodding his head as a yes, he then grabbed his bag from the couch, not saying anything else before leaving me completely alone in this hospital room.

_bokuto-san,_

_i wanted you to stay._

_but this world is so unfair._

_they know that i only have a few weaknesses,_

_and my biggest one is you._


	5. liquid courage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning:  
> a little bit of semi-smut (making out) in this chapter

\- akaashi

it’s been more than half a year since i met bokuto-san in the hospital. i haven’t attended any reunions and gatherings for the fukurodani volleyball club. it’s way too much for me to bare.

i haven’t responded to all of bokuto-san’s messages and calls, even though we’re attending the same college— different majors but we’re in the same building, so i still see him occasionally.

it’s not like i hate him, _well of course not,_ it’s just that i’m ignoring him in hope that i would somehow fall out of love. _it did work_. i haven’t been coughing up flowers for a few weeks now, and my last _i am dying and i am throwing up flowers_ moment that i had was a few months back.

_maybe i’ve successfully fell out of love._

letting out a soft chuckle, i laugh at myself for even thinking about bokuto-san at such random times. admiring the snow that’s falling from above, i got shocked when i heard loud knocks on my door.

standing up from my cozy sofa, i opened the door without thinking twice, since my friends— especially kenma, tanaka and nishinoya who live nearby now always come over to pester me so i can make them food.

what i saw was unexpected.

“akaashi. you can punch me later, but i really need someone to hug right now.”

it’s bokuto-san, a crying mess in front of me. his now taller figure is indeed intimidating me a little as my cheeks heat up while pulling his hands so he can get in.

“why didn’t you text me—“

“you never reply to me, keiji.” bokuto-san engulfs me in a hug, wrapping his arms around me as tight as he could as i did the same to his waist.

i let the silence comfort the both of us. reminding that _best friends_ will always have an encounter again even after months of not seeing each other. i told you i didn’t hate him, _he’s still my best friend._ we weren’t just in good terms.

“do you wanna tell me what’s wrong?” i broke the silence after bokuto-san stopped crying, “because it hurts me also to see you cry.” speaking as softly as possible, i grabbed bokuto-san’s smaller hands, stroking it.

“i was removed from tomorrow’s line-up, akaashi. i started being emotional again and i wasn’t myself when i play. i can’t even spike properly. they removed me because they were worried, but i think i’m just not good enough for MSBY. the tryout for japan’s national team is also soon, i don’t think i’m qualified at all—“

“hey. hey, hey. bokuto-san? stop it right there. why did you say that? you’re one of the best players in japan and you have to know that you’re more than qualified to play in such an amazing team like japan’s national team. what happened? what’s bothering you? why’s your girlfriend,” cutting me off by laying his head on my lap, bokuto-san sniffled once again and he let out a few teardrops as well. “we broke up almost 5 months ago, akaashi.”

“i’m sorry” i whispered, but bokuto-san got up and smiled at me which made me look away for a short time before gathering up my courage to wipe the tears on his cheeks.

“no, akaashi. it’s alright. i texted you that we broke-up, but i figured that you have me on mute. how could you not? i was stupid, of course you resent me somehow. i just left without saying anything, and i never really checked up on you. you ignore my calls too, and every time we pass by each other, you would look away from me.” sighing softly, bokuto-san leaned his head on the couch, fiddling with my fingers as he speak.

“but i understand all of that, akaashi. i really do. i broke up with miyu because kuroo knocked some senses into me. i didn’t know how much i’m in love with you too before kuroo said it to me. i’m so fucking sorry, akaashi.”

“bokuto-san, slow down. i can’t process all of this.” now it’s my turn to have tears in my eyes, forming some distance between me and bokuto-san but he just pulled me closer. burying his head on my shoulder, he pulled me again by the waist.

“akaashi, i’ve been wanting to talk to you for a long time now. i happened to have a bad day today at practice, but kuroo was gonna go on a date with kenma, hinata is of course practicing, sakusa is a _dick_ and i can’t trust atsumu since he’d blabber everything at next week’s practice. all of my friends happened to be unavailable, and my first but also last option was you— who happen to live a few blocks away from my apartment.”

“bokuto-san you’re rambling—”

“akaashi, i’m so sorry it took me so long to realize. honestly, if i didn’t drink earlier for a little i wouldn’t even be here. thanks to that liquid courage,”

“bokuto-san, you—“

“fuck. i’m in love with you, akaashi. i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry. it took one bad day and a few shots of alcohol for me to go here. i—“

cutting him off by planting a rough kiss to bokuto-san lips, and he wasn’t lying. i can taste slight alcohol from his lips, but i wrap my arms around his neck while he kisses me back. his tear-stained cheek is pressing against mine but i’m way too speechless to even complain or comment about anything right now.

bokuto-san’s hands gripped my waist, now pulling me again to his lap, he’s now escalating his kiss by biting softly on my bottom lip.

i never thought this would happen. _ever._ i thought that this is way too good to be true, but we continued making out like there’s no tomorrow. like the beautiful snow is gonna stop going down at any moment. like the whole world will stop spinning.

“bokuto-san, i don’t want this to be just a fling between us. i don’t want this to last for tonight only. i’m selfish, am i?” letting go of the kiss, i slowly put my head on bokuto-san’s shoulder, hugging him tighter.

“akaashi. look at me,” bokuto-san made me look at him, all he does is smile and stroke my reddening cheek. his hazel eyes are beautiful. _i haven’t even stopped loving him for even a second, after all._ “i love you. i love you so much.”

nodding my head surely, i willingly smile as well.

“it took you long enough, bokuto-san.”

“we sure do need to have a long conversation about this and about what just happened. okay?”

i giggled at his remark, bokuto-san kissing me softly again on the lips before hugging me again, and again, and again.

_ah._

_it wasn’t me falling out of love,_

_but it was him falling in love with me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaahhh hi everyone! super duper sorry since this is also poorly written, but i'll edit everything once i finish my with my assignments and exams. next chapter will be the spin-off from bokuto's pov and bokuaka's dating days. hope you like it <3

**Author's Note:**

> hi everyone! please do anticipate for the upcoming chapters. it means a lot to me~ i hope you like it <3


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